Monday, September 20, 2004
Why
I'd love to brag and boast about what a great girlfriend I was during all those times I was in a relationship but the truth is I was nowhere close. Hell no one's perfect and we can't be the angel that everyone expects us to be. I've been cheated on twice, cheated on someone once, and been the 3rd party twice.
It feels like shit being cheated on. Especially by someone you've trusted and loved and had such high expectations of. After sacrificing so much and giving my all and then finding out that he has been caring and loving for another girl as well can only do so much to a person's self-worth and self-esteem. And the fact that it has happened to me twice in 2 different relationships only makes me wonder why I can't get a guy to love me for who I am and be satisfied with all I have to give. Am I not good enough? What have I done wrong in this relationship? What propels a person to cheat?
And then, I became the person who cheated. It has been something I regret till today but nothing I can say or do now will change things. I must have done something right because my ex then forgave me and on we went with the relationship, never talking about what I did. I guess talking about it only made it worse for him but on my part, I would have wanted to find out why why why. But then again, thats just me. Sure, I felt guilty at most times but in the end, it has only made me realise that one of the reasons most guys cheats is because they can. Its that easy. I get it now why 2 of my exes cheated. Because they never got caught. There are of course a myriad of other reasons but I've yet to figure it out.
I was the 3rd party without even knowing it at first. And when I found out, I was pissed. At that time I knew how it felt like being cheated on but I didn't know what it was like cheating on someone. I shouted and got angry, many tears shed, propositions were made, I didn't want that other girl to feel the way I did. He left her for me and I'm not proud of it. I would have been so much happier if we had both started a relationship on a clean slate with no extra baggage but, there's no such thing as having it all. Our relationship lasted 4 years and all those times, after all the warnings of if he did it before, he'll do it again he finally did cheat on me. I never learnt.
Many of my girlfriends have been in the same position as me and we get a kick out of male bashing but who are we to talk? We have all done many things we're not proud of. We've hurt our bfs. Hell we've even done it intentionally. What makes us better than them? What gives us the right to bitch about men and the other girl he's left us for? It only makes us pathetic and weak. But being girls and emotionally more sensitive and vulnerable, that is the only outlet for our anger and resentment. Letting it all out.
After all this, I'm only left with more questions than answers. And I'm going crazy not knowing why. I predict I'm going to go insane shortly.
I'd love to brag and boast about what a great girlfriend I was during all those times I was in a relationship but the truth is I was nowhere close. Hell no one's perfect and we can't be the angel that everyone expects us to be. I've been cheated on twice, cheated on someone once, and been the 3rd party twice.
It feels like shit being cheated on. Especially by someone you've trusted and loved and had such high expectations of. After sacrificing so much and giving my all and then finding out that he has been caring and loving for another girl as well can only do so much to a person's self-worth and self-esteem. And the fact that it has happened to me twice in 2 different relationships only makes me wonder why I can't get a guy to love me for who I am and be satisfied with all I have to give. Am I not good enough? What have I done wrong in this relationship? What propels a person to cheat?
And then, I became the person who cheated. It has been something I regret till today but nothing I can say or do now will change things. I must have done something right because my ex then forgave me and on we went with the relationship, never talking about what I did. I guess talking about it only made it worse for him but on my part, I would have wanted to find out why why why. But then again, thats just me. Sure, I felt guilty at most times but in the end, it has only made me realise that one of the reasons most guys cheats is because they can. Its that easy. I get it now why 2 of my exes cheated. Because they never got caught. There are of course a myriad of other reasons but I've yet to figure it out.
I was the 3rd party without even knowing it at first. And when I found out, I was pissed. At that time I knew how it felt like being cheated on but I didn't know what it was like cheating on someone. I shouted and got angry, many tears shed, propositions were made, I didn't want that other girl to feel the way I did. He left her for me and I'm not proud of it. I would have been so much happier if we had both started a relationship on a clean slate with no extra baggage but, there's no such thing as having it all. Our relationship lasted 4 years and all those times, after all the warnings of if he did it before, he'll do it again he finally did cheat on me. I never learnt.
Many of my girlfriends have been in the same position as me and we get a kick out of male bashing but who are we to talk? We have all done many things we're not proud of. We've hurt our bfs. Hell we've even done it intentionally. What makes us better than them? What gives us the right to bitch about men and the other girl he's left us for? It only makes us pathetic and weak. But being girls and emotionally more sensitive and vulnerable, that is the only outlet for our anger and resentment. Letting it all out.
After all this, I'm only left with more questions than answers. And I'm going crazy not knowing why. I predict I'm going to go insane shortly.
