Endless Ranting

A new year is about to dawn on us. How time flies by when you're having fun. I remember last year's new year's eve celebrations as it were just yesterday. The sad part was ushering in 2004 in the LRT and not being able to catch the fireworks, the fun part was getting high at Ascott, dont exactly remember who's party we crashed though.

There's a high probability that there won't be any fireworks this year because our beloved PM has called on the cancellation of all public and private(?) celebrations due to the tragedy that struck South Asia. Instead, we are supposed to be in mourning and hold prayers for the thousands of victims. Ok..missing the fireworks 2 years in a row shouldn't be a big deal so I shall try not to complain too much about it. *hangs head in shame*

Anyways, this year has been pretty rough. The heartache and anguish at losing a relative, my countless bouts of depression, the pressure placed on me by so many people, waking up every morning and hating what I see in the mirror, frequent arguments with people that matter, not knowing what to do with my life, all the wrong choices I made and have to live with, basically everything that could possibly go wrong, did.

But it has only made me stronger. So with the start of the new year, I will be a much better person. I tell myself that everytime, but this time, things are different because for once, I actually believe it when I think about it. It will become a reality. You'll see.

And so, a very happy new year to all..*hugs*

Sending someone off at the airport is always a sad thing. The person you send off must obviously mean alot to you if you are willing to sacrifice your time and money to make your way to KLIA just to say goodbye. And if that someone means that much to you, the tendency to feel a twinge of sadness and longing will always be there. Especially when you know they won't be back for a long time. But if that someone means so much more than life itself, the feeling is worse.

I had to say goodbye to the most wonderful person ever. Well, to me anyway. He has stuck by me in so many ways by just being there with his hugs and his ever ready ear. Always with that wide smile of his, he never fails to cheer me up. I just love him, for everything that he is, and for all he has done for me, although he wouldn't ever know how much he means to me. This isn't the first time he's left but this is the first time saying goodbye has been so hard.

So, my weirdo, study hard, don't party too much, try not to drink so much also la..if that's possible, hehe..but most importantly, be good!!

Firstly, a big thanks to all who commented and emailed and called regarding my previous post. Thank you so much for caring and for giving me advice that has indeed been valuable. I didn't realise that such an entry would get such a reaction and Victor meanie said I was just craving for attention. That is not true. It was just a way for me to express my thoughts and feelings and at that point of time, I was at my lowest hence the post. I will not do anything stupid, that's for sure.

Things are starting to get better. For once in my life, I’m feeling like there's a purpose for life. But at the same time, sad because I know my happiness is going to be shortlived. For once, I’m not dwelling on the past. Instead, I’m looking forward towards the future. It doesn’t take much to make me happy, actually. I’m very easy to be pleased. Just knowing that the people I care for are happy is enough for me to be happy too.

And so with all said, I just want to let you know that you’ve made each day brighter and the nights less lonely. You’ve touched me in many ways that I cannot describe and I just hope you know that you’re always in my thoughts. No matter what happens, I’m glad that you finally know how I feel for you. Thank you for just being you, weirdness and all. :)

Take care of yourself…I will miss you so, so much. *muaks*

I’ve got so many questions that have no answers. No one can provide me with the answers except for myself yet I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried forgetting the past and moving on but everything just seems to revolve around the past. The lies, deception, betrayal, disloyalty, all keep coming back to haunt me.

Why am I so pathetic? Why do I know what’s glaringly wrong yet don’t do anything about it? Or rather, I don’t know what to do. Why can’t I for once in my life be strong and do the right thing? Why do I have to constantly make the same mistakes over and over again?

I’m so sick of myself. I just feel like slitting my wrists and slowly and gladly bleed to death. These suicidal tendencies of mine seem to be more frequent nowadays. I know its pathetic and weak of me to feel this way but I just can’t help it. A coward’s way out but what’s there to be proud of being alive? I’ll just continue hating myself for being so weak and useless. I yearn to find peace within myself and to acknowledge the fact that life is indeed beautiful but I just can’t.

Call me weak, I don’t care. I don’t give a shit anymore how people see me. I just want to die.

I've been internet-less for the past 3 weeks. Connection at home's down yet again so I've resorted to purchasing my very own laptop. Owning a laptop seems kind of nice for now. The feeling I get whenever I pop open the cover, the sleekness and smoothness of its casing, the soft click-click of the keypad and not forgetting the oh so cool touchpad which allows me to navigate easily without a mouse. Hell it functions as a mouse.

But there’s a downside to this. If I want to go online, I have to pack up everything and make my way to Starbucks and sit myself down on one of those uncomfortable seats and surf for free. Well, I do have to purchase a drink in order to prevent myself from looking like a cheapskate.

I bought my laptop for RM4499, a price which Keith says is cheap. Hmm..it must be I guess to him because he bought his first one for about RM5K I think and then it got stolen from his car a few months after and he then bought a second one for about the same price or less. I think. Knowing he has spent about RM10K on a laptop, well, RM4499 is cheap!

I was clueless as to what kind of laptop I wanted. Hearing all the specifications was like listening to Greek. All I wanted a laptop for is to do my coursework and to go online. Oh and of course to watch CDs and DVDs whenever I feel like it without having to fight over the player with my brother. Actually the latter is something I thought of after I purchased it. I didn’t specifically go out to buy a laptop for the purpose of watching shows on it. It’s a good investment I guess. This is something I will need in the near future as and when I go overseas to continue my studies.

Ok I don’t know why I’ve written all this down. Maybe because I’ve got nothing else to do and I’m just too bored yet again.

What's the price one has to pay for vanity? A few nights ago I was channel surfing at home when I came across 'The Making of Miss India' or something along those lines. It was a behind the scenes look at the Miss India competition, the grueling preparation the contestants had to go through just for that big night and of course they showed the supposed camaraderie (is that how u spell it?) amongst the beauties.

What shocked me was how each and every contestant took the competition so seriously as if their lives depended on it. A few were interviewed and one commented that if they didn't win, they wouldn't know what else to do and how they've been waiting for this moment their whole life. What happened about participating for the exposure, experience and the fun of it all? Would it really be the end-all if they weren't the chosen one to represent India?

Some who were interviewed about what what would happen if they didn't win, cried and were really angry when they didn't make it to the final 5. There were alot of bitching and moaning and comparisons but at the end of the day, there can only be one winner. Thats the reality of beauty competitions. Only one will have all the glory. Only one will be crowned as representative of their country.

But to give them more credit, Miss India is known to be a favourite in international beauty competitions such as Miss World, Miss Universe and so on. Maybe that is the reason for all the pressure and anxiety. The future Miss India will have a lot to carry on her shoulders and it is a rather big deal in India to find that perfect woman, one who encompasses not only beauty, but intelligence, finesse, class as well as the ability to be a role-model to others.

There is a Mr Universe competition as well, right? But funny how these competitions for men seem to emphasise more on who has the biggest muscles. I guess in the world of beauty competitions, the women reign supreme over men, in terms of publicity and exposure. Not many men take it that seriously anyway.