Endless Ranting

I'm typing this in the dark. No, it's not because I'm too lazy to turn on the lights. I welcome the darkness. It's sort of calming and that's what I need right now. It has been a long day. Tiring, emotionally and mentally. There's just too many unwanted thoughts swimming in my head.

I'm really fed-up with these mood swings of mine. I'm amazed how my brother has tolerated me all these years. The only highlight of my day was re-reading a message from Chia, sent to me when I was at a point of desperation and lost. His words brought me back to reality, but only for just a while. And here I am, yet again in one of my moods.

Yes, I do have better things to do, if you really want to know. So I shall just end now and get back to my studying. 2 tests tomorrow and I'm not prepared. What else is new?

Oh one more thing. Check this out..my brother's foray into the world of poems, and everything artistic. Be warned, it's angst-ridden..that's him for you..but I wouldn't have him any other way. My pillar of strenth, my confidante, my punching bag, Though he looks scary and repulsive, he's a great guy, with a gigantic heart. It saddens me he's filled with so much hate and anger. *sigh*

Whoever says that being in a long distance relationship is easy should be shot in the head. I guess it'll only work out if there's ample trust, faith, commitment and a whole lot of love. But then human nature kicks in and there tends to be something inside which shouts out to you to be careful. To not venture in too deep or you'll end up getting hurt. That little green-eyed monster comes out to play and you've got no one else to believe in. Only his words. Is that enough, though? Are his reassurances enough to hold a relationship together?

Trust is such a problem for me but I'm handling it pretty well so far. Though there have been quite a number of obstacles, I'm not swayed. Doubt me or him all you want, but I know what I'm getting myself into. I don't need to hear your reservations being broadcasted again and again. I don't need to have to sit there and listen to you tell me what I should or should not do. I don't deserve to be judged for finally being happy. So bitch all you want, that you're entitled to, just go bitch about it to someone else.

A long and hard month it has been. Imagine being entangled in this web of online declarations of love, a huge amount of smses, sporadic phone calls, the occasional e-mails, and neither of us knowing when it'll end. It seems like such a fallacy sometimes but I trust him. Stupid? I sure hope not.

once lost and confused
meandering through life repeating mistakes
never learning, never moving on
basking in constant insecurities-
the fixture in her so-called life
but then came a day
revelation u call it?
or was it more of an awakening
like a phoenix rising up and up
seeking light and desiring truth
a sad little girl, no more
empty and aimless, no more
distorted truth becomes clear
as she moves out of the darkness
into the light
always towards the light
alas, it is her elusive dream

SiewYen and I attended the 2V's convocation held at the Nikko Hotel this afternoon. We were rushing from PJ all the way to town thinking that we weren't going to arrive on time but of course, the ceremony ran late. Although they have graduated since last August I still felt very proud and happy for them, seeing them in their robes. SiewYen & I were Velene's 'family' for that half hour as hers were not able to make the trip from PD. I was feeling a little depressed because Vic was being the meanie that he was and teasing me about my delay in graduating but it's ok. I'm happy that they made it and I know they'll go on to achieve so much more in the future. So once again, congrats to the 2V's..*hugs*

Came down today only to be greeted by the sight of a pretty pink bouquet of flowers from my baby. Touched, surprised and super happy are mere descriptions as to how I really felt inside. This is what my baby always does to me, he surprises me in the most beautiful way. Although it was a long and tiring day, I walked everywhere with a smile on my face, constantly thinking of him.






last outing with my baby

It has been a tough one month but we'll make it. I know it and I can feel it and I hope you feel the same way too. I love you baby...more and more every single day. Thank you for the flowers and for all that you've made me feel. The distance is not going to come between us, that I assure you.

Happy Anniversary my Baby..*hugs n kisses*

And what a week it has been. Traipsed the floors of One U countless times. 4 times since Saturday to be exact. And I'm going again tomorrow with my daddy to do some CNY shopping. Maybe now I can go get that pink Lacoste shirt I've been longing for. Maybe even that LBD from WH which I think is too slutty for a nice dinner yet way too sexy to resist. I don't know when I'll ever get the chance to wear it but I guess I can save it for just the right occasion, as and when it happens. Knowing me and the life I lead, I'll probably never have a reason to wear it though. Want so many things but somehow they don't seem appropriate for the kind of weather we have in KL. Saw this really nice sweater from Guess but way too pricey. Saw another one in Esprit, but too expensive as well.

Ok, I should stop talking about clothes and shopping or my baby will be shaking his head as he reads this..if he makes it this far. Hehe. Hopefully I'll be able to find something appropriate for the first day of CNY. No black, nothing too revealing or my grandparents will be lecturing me non-stop, definitely cotton because it's always so unbearably hot. Ah well, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully I'll catch my dad in a generous mood. Looking forward to it already. Shopping with my dad is going to be so fun! Yeah right..

What more could a girl ask for? A little pampering in the afternoon then to come home to a delicious home-cooked meal. Well, it wasn't at my house and neither was the meal cooked specifically for me but it's ok. It's just a nice feeling to have having dinner cooked by some close friends. Thanks loads to the 2V's who invited SiewYen and I over to their place for dinner. Being such camera-whores that we are, here are some pics. Vic, don't get pissed yeah, we know how you hate having your pictures posted online but I can't help it. You look just too cute. Haha.


The shy chef


after cooking for us..


posers, yes we are


SY's always camera shy..wonder y


trying to act cute


just us


velene & her windchimes


:P

I'm in a very bad mood. And I blame it on my cousin. He reformatted the computer and now all my important files are gone. My bro and I specifically told him which files and folders to save so that we can retrieve it again after but he made a big mistake and now they're gone. Never to be seen again. All my brother's mp3's, the file containing all my pictures taken in the past year, including those that friends and family have sent, *sniff*, no more!!!! Even pictures of Hermes when he was a cute little pup. And I no longer have pictures of my grandma who passed away last year. Am I sad? Am I pissed? Am I irritated? I'm all of that and more. Ok, maybe I'm overreacting just a little but I'm entitled to feel angry about it, aren't I? Who cares? No one can make me feel any better now. And just as I was thinking this has been a pretty good weekend. Blah..it never is..there never will be a good weekend. Things hardly work out the way I want it to anyway.

It's been a long and tiring day, both mentally and emotionally. Spent 5 straight hours in class listening to the same lecturer drone on and on about Philosophy and History. Shall not explain further. In desperate need of my baby's hugs despite knowing it's physically impossible. *sigh* Hope I'll be able to sleep early tonight so I won't feel so shitty during my 9am Business class.

It's times like these that make me question my capabilities and patience. I so want to graduate ASAP. Please please make it a reality soon, God.

To Mel

Whatever happens in your life, do not hesitate to call me. I'm always willing to hear you rant or bitch or complain or just about anything you want to do to get things off your chest. I may not give you the best advice or I may not even have the right words to comfort you but I assure you, I will always be by your side, in your time of need, with a listening ear, with my shoulder for you to cry on, with a packet of tissues for you to dry your tears.

Just as you have stuck by me in my most desperate moments, I will do the same. However trivial it may be, you can count on me. The years have passed by just like that and you've gone on to accomplish so many things and I'm so proud and happy for you. Our friendship has matured and strengthened these past 12 years and I know what we had, have and will have will only make us stronger and better people in time to come.

These words are not enough to tell you how thankful I am for our friendship but I hope you understand. I'll always be here for you, Mel. Love you babe..

Ok progress report. Quitting cold turkey was a bad idea. So to all who doubted me, go on, just say it. "I told you so.." I hear it everywhere. Especially from my bro and SiewYen. Though these 2 have been the best help by refusing to give me their cigarettes or by hiding their lighters from me. So a big thank you.

I have cut down though. From a big pack a day, I've cut down to half a small pack a day which means about 5 sticks a day. Improvement? I should think so. And I've only resorted to smoking at home and not when I'm out. Trying to cultivate the habit of not smoking in public which in time should work, I hope.

Mel said the sweetest thing to me last night. Something about how she did not want to be by my side holding my hand when I'm dying of lung cancer or whatever illnesses I develop later on from smoking. Sweetie, you're the best la. I assure you when the time comes, I'll be dying of old age ok? Then we'll have a gala time reminiscing about the past and looking at death as just a part of life. Heheh..how morbid. Love you anyway, babe!

It's Friday yet again which means weekly dinner with my daddy tonight. A quiet weekend is in store. All those going up to Genting for the KENT rave..have loads of fun! Remember don't drink/pop and drive. Get a room or sleep in the car. Baby, too bad you're missing it. Hehe.

I'm going to give up smoking. I really am. I notice I've been wheezing too much these past few months and it's scaring me. I had asthma when I was little and I heard that it may come back later on in life. YuenLi, is that true? Anyway, quitting would do me a lot of good so I've decided to just quit. Er tomorrow. Going to finish up my current pack and then that's it. No more. Quitting cold turkey.

I've always thought of quitting but never actually did anything about it. But this time, I will actually try my very best to stop. I told myself to quit on my own, not because someone asked me to. But baby, you're one of the reasons why I've decided to stop smoking. Not because you asked but because I want to be a better person for you. Sounds kind of lame but that's the truth.

Velene, when you read this, don't laugh. Help me quit ok? Make sure I don't light up ever again. You want to quit as well right? We'll help each other. Hehe. So to anyone else who reads this, help me out too okay? Don't offer me cigarettes, don't try tempting me, don't blow cigarette smoke in my face..cos I'm weak but I will try my very best. That's a promise to myself...wish me luck!!

A quiet new year indeed. No alcohol involved, just the company of 2 good friends, catching up and reminiscing. Reached Hartamas about 20 minutes before the clock struck 12 and was greeted with a massive jam. Did not want to usher in the new year in the car so ended up paying RM10 for parking. Had nowhere to go because it was all packed so ended up having juice at Hartamas Square. It was all good..fireworks would have made it all better though..ok ok, I'll stop complaining about the damned fireworks!! Heard from my aunt there were fireworks somewhere in Kajang though. Hmph!